thursday november 30


• Remember that my alter ego in nursing school was named “Nurse Nancy Nice-Nice” She gave good medicine.

friday december 1

• Wish really hard that November had 31 days.

saturday december 2

• While working on robot suddenly remember that I will need my curling iron. Somehow I know exactly where it is. Why do I own a curling iron? Feel possessed and a little bit schizophrenic.

      saturday december 2

• Stress about how I will work on metal in a terrible outfit. Get in touch with it.

sunday december 3

• Stress about how I will work on metal in a terrible outfit. Get in touch with IT.

monday december 4

• Dig out my strapless bra- magnificent antigravity device. I’ve never worn it but I am sure it must be a staple in any biodrag outfit. I must incorporate it somehow!


• See the case to the Miami Vice remake DVD and regret having cut my hair. My Miami biodrag- eternally out of reach!

wednesday december 6

• Wake up feeling awful and decide to go back to sleep.


• Have a nightmare: In my dream I have to go to Target to get some dangly earings and some blush. So I decide to go to Seekonk and for some reason I feel that I have to take my mother and my grandmother and Kevin. While there I run into Rachelle who has made a happy purchase and is on her way home. I proceed to fretfully select blush. On the sidewalk outside the store I realize that I have forgotten the dangly earings. I notice that my mother and grandmother, like Rachelle, have made their purchases of fememine commodities such as stockings and lipstick and are smiling. I go back and get the earings. On the sidewalk once again I realize that I have forgotten to get mascara which I will surely need. As I am running back into the store I notice that everyone else is running out. So I try to stop a woman who pushes me aside and yells "there is a bomb!" I desperately look for Kevin who is dutifully accompanying me. I yell "get down!" Just then the building explodes and debris flies past us as we cowar under a parked car.


• Try to convince myself that I don’t have to shave my legs. I’m wearing pants so no one will know.


• Decide that this would be a really dick thing to do. I want to be Pussy!


• Shave legs in shower.


• Shave axilla.


• Think about how I never want to have an axillary abscess.


• Go on line to see if I can find the name of the condition – multiple axillary abscesses. I would see it every week in young women while I was still working in the ER. Ugh! Dermatology.


• Make a note of the link.


• Wonder why the cause of recurrent folicular occlusion is considered "unknown" HELLO- shaving, ingrown hairs.


• Feel disgusted- have to put on my makeup.


• In the mirror I notice that I have gray hair. Yesterday I loved it. Today I hate it. I should have dyed it. Think -do I have time to dye my hair? No- live with it. Realize this is an intensely psychological experience.


• Put on eye shadow.
  Have stress because I don’t think I have ever learned how to do it. Rachelle always seems to have a nice eye shadow thing going on. Resolve to consult with her later.


• Have meeting with Bill and Catherine. I know my lipstick is cakey but what to do! What to do!. I need blush. Do I?


• Realize I am really hungry and decide to go get a croissant- ladies eat coissants


• Walk to au bon pain and get honked at twice. Skaters cat call. Do I look cheap?!?!?! Me? Maybe I look "hot." (shamedly, I enjoy this possibility.)


• Try really hard not to trip on the cobblestones.


• Notice that lots of other women are in tight jeans and heels- feel SO unoriginal.


• At CVS- pick blush. Think –wow- this stuff is really expensive.


• Sneak into CIT to find an empty bathroom for blush application.


• Feel a surge of anxiety because I’m not quite sure how to put it on. Don’t want to look like TwistedSister.


• Put on blush anyway.


• Heat up my coffee and get annoyed at all the clacking of my heels. I'm very noisey! Clack, clack, clack!


• Remember to swing my hips.


• At John’s desk notice the ring of lipstick on my coffee cup. Consider it a good thing.


• Try to focus on my work but I can’t put together pluming pipes in this state. It’s a total head trip.


• Walk to trashcan.


• Maintenance man tells me I look nice.


• Chat Cristobal who is a few desks away- tell him I am wearing tight jeans.


• Regret my comment instantly because he doesn’t know I’m in drag.


• Confess to Cristobal that I tried to put on blush and don’t think I did it right. He smiles but I think maybe he’s just being nice. Wish Rachelle was out of class. She would tell me the truth.


• Call Rachelle to beg her to come out of class. I feel really weird about this. I know it isn’t such a big deal. There were tons of other women in practically the same outfit. I get her voicemail-ugh!


• Ok time to stop fucking around. Scarlet O’hara plowed a field in a floor length gown-- I can build my robot in heels! Did I just say that or just think it very, very loud?


• Torture myself by working with the heels on.


• Cristobal plays "Ojala Que Llueva Café" by Café Tacuba and I feel better.


• Use the heel on my shoe to hammer a bar in place. Realize I need to have someone take my picture. Break down and call John again.


• Rachelle lends me some earings.


• Hurt myself trying to put them in. Realize my ears aren’t pierced anymore.



At the Fez

• Have quiet moment of -wow- when I realize that Peter is giving John advice on how to get women.
  


• Try to participate and be very agreeable.
  


• Admit that I have always known instantly when I meet a man whether or not I would ever sleep with him.
  
  
• Wonder why so much of the conversation has hovered around
  hooking up. Gender expression as mating strategy?
  


• Realize that this performance is transgressive because it has caused me to transgress my personal gender boundaries.
  
  
• Consider this private breach much more valuable to me than having transgressed other people’s gender boundaries by dressing more elaborately.

At the Union St. Bar


• Still looking for a fun crowd --so we go the Union St. bar. Its empty and the most interesting thing going on is the video of Reese Whiterspoon vomiting in a parking lot.



• Walk into the adjacent leather bar . The MC is announcing the conclusion of a miniature golf match happening near the pool table. There is a giant plasma screen over the emergency exit showing hardcore gay porn.


• TRY NOT TO LOOK.


• Look anyway and feel embarrassed about looking then feel embarrassed about feeling embarrassed.


• Someone is pretending to be accidentally whipping me as he deliberately whips his friend. I feel unwelcome but the research must go on!
• Its dark and so I get the courage up to take off my jacket. I feel disapointed in myself because I can hardly feel comfortable taking my jacket off in a dark gay bar in biodrag!
  

The Morning After

• I have an intense psychological hangover.


• Maybe I wasn’t kidding. If I was kidding I wouldn’t feel so wierd.
  Is it guilt? Stop thinking about it but acknowledge to myself that this requires additional reflection.


• Admit to my self that my sense of self has been affected.


• Decide to call this type of practice Lived Experiments.



• Decide to wear work pants and rugged boots to school today, no make up and hair in a bun. I’m having a backlash against myself by enacting another stereo type. I am too close to this way of thinking- what way is that?



• John and I talk about how dirty we feel.



• Meet Kevin at Brown. He had a great gig in New York. He hugs me and tells me I look beautiful today.


• Feel that all is well in the world.


• Go back to the studio. I see John’s earing on his desk next to a bottle of Old Spice and feel sad- what is going on?